So, do you already have your internal Star Wars Episode 9 countdown running?
I sure do … in spite of myself.
Let’s face it.
The Force Awakens was a pretty damn good movie, especially if you’re an old fart (like me).
Rogue One was a pleasant surprise — did anyone really think the Episode films would be worthy of the franchise? I sure didn’t.
And then, well, Rian Johnson.
The Last Jedi was just *OK*, and that’s if I’m being generous.
And Solo? A fine western but not much of a Star Wars movie.
The trend is moving in the wrong direction.
Still, it’s hard to resist the idea of the next Star Wars movie, isn’t it? I mean, if everything from the franchise since 1999 had been as bad as Episode I was, then … yeah, I’d have checked out a long time ago.
But there has been plenty to like in the last 20 years, and Disney purchased a lot of fan-goodwill equity when they took over a few years back.
So, here we are … counting down to Episode 9.
You can see the real countdown above — the movie is slated to open on December 20, 2019, and I’m assuming a midnight showing here.
But we can have some fun with this thing, right? After all, we’re going to plunk down hard-earned money to see Star Wars IX (whatever it may be called), and we deserve to take some liberties.
Here then, are some other types of Star Wars Episode 9 countdowns to get your Jedi Juices flowing.
The Mark Hamill Countdown
Luke Skywalker himself seems excited for this film, even though he apparently didn’t make it out of The Last Jedi. In July 2018, Mark Hamill took to Twitter to post his own countdown to Episode 9:
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) July 5, 2018
The Safe Director Countdown
This new generation of Star Wars movies is notorious for chewing through directors like a puppy left alone in a room full of slippers.
Yes, J.J. Abrams did a bang-up job on Episode 7.
And, yes, he replaced the jettisoned Colin Trevorrow and somehow overcame the allure of Johnson in December 2017.
But do you really think we’re out of the woods in terms of being sure that Abrams will see Episode 9 through to the end?
I find your lack of wariness disturbing.
Anyway, I’m going to say Abrams is not safe in this regard until (at least) July 1, 2019.
Here, then is the Safe Director Countdown …
The Title Countdown
So … what’s the official title of Episode 9?
Go ahead and Google it. I’ll wait.
What did you find?
“A New Order”?
“Just Kidding About that Last Jedi Thing”?
“The Wrath of Billy Dee”?
Nah, it’s all under wraps.
With the cast list having been released in the summer of 2018, though, I’ll handicap the title release as a year out from the actual movie release.
Expect to see the new title, then, on December 20, 2018, or in …
The Lando Countdown
Speaking of Billy Dee Williams, part of the hubbub surrounding this movie is that he’s bringing back Lando Calrissian.
So we know — unless Lusasfilms is pulling a bait-and-switch on us — that we’ll see Billy Dee on December 20, 2019.
But when will we see Billy Dee in his first public appearance talking about his Lando reprise?
I’ll guess that happens on Saturday Night Live in October 2019.
I give you, then, the Lando Countdown …
The Spoiler Countdown
Let’s face it — we all want to be first at something.
And, armed with a bit of inside knowledge, hardly none of us can keep our mouths shut for any appreciable length of time.
These two bits of human nature have led to the birth of the spoiler culture, wherein every piece of modern film is subject to advanced leaking of plot and action details — spoiling.
Much of what passes for spoiler information is so much speculation and, ultimately, dreck. But some real stuff always makes its way to us in the masses before we’ve had a chance to see the movie or television show, whether we seek the spoilage or not.
So, when will the first reliable Episode 9 spoiler make it to our virgin ears and eyes?
“Soon,” would be my guess.
I’ll set the date at December 1, 2018, and prime the countdown accordingly …
The Fan Theory Countdown
Did you know that Lando will be revealed to be Luke’s high school counselor in Episode 9?
Or that Leia’s unprotected dalliance with outer space in Episode 8 will eventually lead to the birth of Superman?
Or that Snoke is a Vulcan?
Or that Kylo Ren has ties to Jack the Ripper?
Well, if you didn’t know any of that, then you’re not paying attention to fan theories.
And, while those may not be actual fan theories — yet — you can be sure there are some brewing in a dark corner of the internet right now.
In fact … well … us fanatics have been speculating about this movie for quite awhile already.
So we’ll go ahead and put the finish line for this one at January 1, 2017 and let the counter do its thing, pristine odometer style:
The Death Countdown
If there’s one thing we know about the new generation of Star Wars movies, it’s that they intend to kill all our old, gray darlings.
Han is gone (no he’s not).
Luke is gone.
Leia is gone (though we don’t know that canonically yet).
Jar Jar? Boba Fett? Darth Maul?
Lando? No …
They wouldn’t do that, right? Bring back Lando just to kill him?
Uh … darlings, remember.
Regardless of who gets the lightsaber ax next, what the countdown machine wants to know is, when will it fall?
These new movies tend to last about 10 hours each — OK, maybe more like three — with big deaths most likely (says I) early in the film, in the middle, or at the end.
I’m going to be optimistic here and say our next victim almost makes it out alive, which means he/she bites the blaster at approximately 2:41:39 AM on December 20, 2019.
Our Star Wars Death countdown, then, escorts us into the darkness thusly: